Tea…Benadryl…Relax Melodies App…Bed!! Hopefully all these combined put me to sleep and keep me asleep (for once in my life). Especially since I have to be up at 5 AM.

watching Juno because it reminds me of what I really wanted to do with all my heart a soul but was forced to do exactly what I did not want to do. Planning on crying a shit ton tonight.

Thats funny…past two nights my boyfriend has been around an old high school acquaintance. He has been telling my boyfriend that I messed around with someone on the football team and that he knows way more about me than what I think and that I’m apparently pretending to be something I’m not.
One, maybe I did and maybe I didn’t. I don’t remember because I can barely remember high school because I was in such a fog and miserable and thought dying was my best option at that point.
Two, if you really knew me then your an asshole because you would have seen the fear and pain my eyes for the 5.5 years that I was being abused that eventually turned into I would rather die then be stuck in that relationship. You would have seen in my eyes how many times I was violated and how I had to live my life in a daze just to survive the everyday pain. You would have noticed the bruises, the tears, the cuts and scars from abuse and suicidal attempts. If you really knew me…you’d at least understand me and would probably be calling the cops.
And the whole pretending to be something I’m not. Of course I’m different now, high school was over 5 years ago and I didn’t exist in anyones mind back then…not even my own mind, of course I’m different now that I have gotten away from the abuse and am starting to see a slight purpose to living.
Oh and if you were really my friend now like you say you are. You wouldn’t be telling the best thing that has happened to me and the person that saved me before it was too late lies. You would also look into my eyes and still be able to see bruises, cuts and plenty of scars. You would see that I’m still afraid of life. You would see that the events play over again in my mind. You would see that I’ve almost completely erased my memories. You would see that I probably need help before I do something stupid and not take away the people that are helping me now. Most of all you would see how much I wish my abusive ex would have killed me when he had a chance.
Thanks to you instead of getting much needed sleep to get up in 3 hours to drive to class, I am balling my eyes out and making myself bleed. I’m feeling those guilty feelings that I haven’t felt for a really long time. I’m feeling guilty for living and now feel like a worthless piece of shit that I was always told I was. Thank you for making my life a miserable hell again and for reminding me how many people didn’t care that I was on the brink of dying in high school. FUCK YOU!!

I kind of hope one of my nursing books falls on my head and kills me. That way I will not only be put out of my misery but I can literally say nursing school killed me.

I’m not a stranger
No I am yours
With crippled anger
And tears that still drip sore

A fragile frame aged
With misery
And when our eyes meet
I know you see

I do not want to be afraid
I do not want to die inside just to breathe in
I’m tired of feeling so NUMB
Relief exists I find it when
I am CUT

I do not want to be afraid
I do not want to die inside just to breathe in
I’m tired of feeling so NUMB
Relief exists I find it when
I am CUT
Pain
I am not alone
I am not alone

I’m not a stranger
No I am yours
With crippled anger
And tears that still drip sore

I do not want to be afraid
I do not want to die inside just to breathe in
I’m tired of feeling so NUMB
Relief exists I found it when
I was CUT

My knees hurt because my yoga pants got stuck to my cuts during class today. I then preceded to stand and rip my pants and scabs off of every cut and now they burn. Oh well…I’m just going to ignore it and continue onward with my lovely (or horrible as I like to think) long term relationship with my nursing book. I have a feeling I will fall asleep in my book.

My instructor just called off clinical…still don’t feel any better though, just means that I have a whole day to sit around and try to resist the urge to hurt myself.

Instead of going into my bathroom, filling up the bathtub and cutting myself…I’m choosing to exercise until I collapse. At least this way I will be burning calories. I don’t think I’m going to make it through summer…nursing school might be the death of me.

This is pretty personal. You ready? Of course

Don’t delete any questions. Got it? Why would I

What color is the bra you’re wearing right now? Explain the design.
It is pink and white in a leopard print pattern

What is your bra size? Don’t lie :)
I think a 34C I can’t remember lol

Are you a virgin?
Of course not

Have you done any drugs before?
Yup

What’s your status on fb/myspace say currently?
Someday, everything will be ok and we will all be happy with the person we turned out to be…because in the end none of it really matters - Postsecret

How much feedback did it get?
One like lol

Who have you texted today?
Kenny

What was the last thing to piss you off?
Migraine, going back to school, dizziness, life

What all has pissed you off today, if anything at all?
Same old shit

What does the 10th text in your inbox say?
What are you up to babe?

How about the 20th sent text?
I love you

Out of all of your friends who have you gotten in the worst fight with?
None of them really

Who was the last person to have to deal with you having an attitude?
My mom and Kenny

If you had $100 dollars, how would you spend it?
It would probably go in my gas tank and toward cigarettes

What’s something you would love to have happen right now?
I don’t know

You were given the opportunity to get a new cellular device, what do you choose?
I don’t care

Which of your classes in school is most capable of killing a good mood for you?
Every class…it’s nursing school

How nice of a person are you, honestly?
I try to be super nice

Is there anyone of your prefered sex who tends to mess with your head?
There is one that has completed fucked my life up

What have gotten the most compliments on?
My attitude

When you get to go shopping for new clothes, where do you go to find your clothes?
JCPenny’s, somewhere cheap

Do and your best friend(s) act the same, or are very different from each other?
Some act the same and others different

On a scale of 1 to 10 how shy are you?
1243500394389394895 lol

Have you ever fallen for your best friend?
Yes

Is there something you should be doing right now, besides this survey?
Getting ready for school tomorrow

What’s your middle name?
Marie

Can you make yourself cry?
I’ve never tried…I cry too much already

Would you go back in time if you were given the chance?
Yes

Have you ever had your nails done?
A couple times

Are you taller than 5’4”?
No…I wish I was

Have you ever liked someone who treated you like shit?
Yes…I was brainwashed though

Is your current hair color mostly your natural hair color?
Yup

What color are your socks?
I’m not wearing any

Has anyone ever borrowed something from you and never returned it?
Probably

Everything happens for a reason?
Yes

Last thing you got in the mail?
A magazine trying to get me to get a credit card…suckers

Say a lyric from the song currently playing?
I’m not listening to any songs

Do you miss someone?
Severely

Do you think anybody likes you right now?
I would hope so

What woke you up this morning?
My mom yelling at my brother to wake up

Do you trust people?
Not at all…I only truly trust myself

Where’s the closest hoodie to you right now?
Downstairs

What’s bothering you at the moment?
Everything

Do you like the way you look?
Not at all

How long does it take you to fall asleep at night?
Forever

Do you prefer to take your showers at night or in the morning?
At night

Think back to June. Who were you in a relationship with?
The same person I’ve been with for the last almost 3 years